When it comes to our lives and our relationships, our beliefs go a long way in defining our limitations and the types of people we surround ourselves with. These beliefs are rooted deep in our experiences and have a need to change and grow over time (as we do). Are you holding on to outdated relationships beliefs that keep leading you into heartbreak? You can let them go and shift them once and for all.
It’s time for you to analyze and take stock of what you want from your life and your relationship. You have a right to be happy, and you have a right to do it on your own terms. In order to do this, though, you’re going to have to dig deep, experiment with your needs, and divide your past from where you are right now in the present. Small-minded and outdated beliefs hold us back. Allow yourself to move into the future by shifting your romantic beliefs to align with your values and needs.
Beliefs matter more than you think.
Essentially, our beliefs are the mind’s way of making sense of the world and the complex emotions that stem from our experiences in it. When something happens to you, your brain quickly tries to work through it in order to understand what happened and why. In order to do this, it has to make some assumptions and form some connections based on whatever state of knowledge it has in that present moment.
Over time, these experiences and our assumptions about them come to form our beliefs. As we go through new experiences — both good and bad — our knowledge of the world changes, but we often don’t apply those changes to our beliefs. It’s important to regularly reassess where you are in the world and how you feel about it. To do this, however, you have to accept change and the many roads it leads you down.
Your beliefs matter more than you think. When you believe that one partner should be superior to the other, or that you have to accept everything about your partner in the name of “love” — you end up with heartbreak and toxic relationships. Learning to believe in your value, though? Your right to thrive and be equal with your partner? That’s when you can find true transformation and true love of self and others as well.
The outdated relationship beliefs that break you.
There are a number of outdated relationship beliefs that can keep you miserable — no matter who you find yourself with. By holding on to these outlooks, we minimize our chances of finding true support or joy within our partnerships. In order to thrive together, we have to come to the table believing that we’re equally capable companions.
One of the most toxic and outdated relationships belief we commonly hold is the idea of absolute acceptance. This is belief that you must accept and tolerate any behavior or decision that your partner makes. For many, this means accepting and even allowing toxic behavior in the name of “love” or proving that love to the other person. Acceptance like this, however, leaves us vulnerable and encourages disrespect and even abuse.
Off-balance power dynamics
What are your beliefs when it comes to the power dynamics in a relationship? Do you come to the table as an equal with a partner? Or do you believe you have to submit control over your life to the other person in your relationship? We all build our partnerships differently. We all need different things. It’s imperative, however, that we remain equal in any separation of power we may decide on in a partnership. Otherwise we leave ourselves vulnerable to danger and heartbreak.
Things happen easily
Stable, long-term relationships don’t come easily. They don’t come magically or without struggle. Both partners have to commit to one another, and they have to make an effort to put in work. Believing that true love happens without this effort will land you in one sided partnerships in which neither person ends up getting what they want. Things don’t happen easily in love. They happen with mutual focus and with effort for one another every single day.
The “perfect” person exists
Are you someone who prescribes to the idea that a single perfect person or “soulmate” exists for you out there? Unfortunately, this just isn’t the case. No one person is capable of being without flaw. And so many different people can provide us with the compassionate support and love that we’re seeking. We have to let go of this idea that we have to find that one single person and simply focus on finding someone who wants the same thing from your life.
A goal of getting comfortable
There are some who see their relationships as a chance to get comfortable — too comfortable. Life is a challenge, but it can be made easier with the love and support of a partner. When we come to rely on that partner too greatly, though, we can shut down and put ourselves on autopilot in a number of damaging ways. Getting too comfortable allows you to stop working in the name of growth, betterment, and joy.
Looking for validation
Do you find that you chase relationships in order to fit in? Do you only feel worthy or seen when have a romantic partner beside you? These are signs that your self-esteem is struggling, and that you’ve come to associate your own happiness with the feelings and opinions of others. Perhaps you think that a relationship will provide you with a sense of meaning, or you think it will make you happy as a person. Both cases are untrue. You are the only person who can provide these things to yourself.
No need to communicate
Have you ever heard a couple say they don’t even need to speak with words? This is a lie. Communication is absolutely critical in every intimate relationship. We use communication to express our boundaries and what we want and expect from our partners. Your partners can’t read your mind. They may be able to anticipate your moods, but they don’t live in your brain. We have to communicate with one another and stop relying on fairy tale beliefs.
Great sex equals love
There’s a common misconception that intense physical chemistry is somehow akin to deep and lasting love — but this just isn’t true. While sex and physical intimacy are certainly a part of a good romantic relationship, they can’t hold the partnership up alone. Great sex doesn’t equal love. It equals great sex. If this is a belief you hold on to, you’ll end up disappointed time-after-time.
How to change your relationship beliefs the right way.
It’s necessary to shed old beliefs that no longer fit in order for us to move forward in an authentic way. In order to do this, though, we have to let go of the past and believe in our right to re-calibrated happiness. Figure out what you really want and then go for it by challenging and replacing old patterns.
1. Believe in your self-worth
Before you can build a happy and stable life with someone else, you have to believe yourself worthy of such a thing. Too many of us settle for partners and relationships who give us so much less than we need, want, or deserve. This usually comes down to our insecurities, and the way in which they feed our warped our twisted views on ourselves and the world around us.
In order to shed our old beliefs, we have to find the courage to believe in ourselves. You are beautiful, deserving, and worthy of all the things you want in your life and your relationship. Without this belief, you’ll come to see your value as tied to other people, or the validation they provide you.
Rebuild your self-esteem from the ground up. Let go of all those experiences with other broken people that cause you to believe that you were somehow not enough. Your version of love is perfectly acceptable. Your needs are valid and you have every right to find someone who sees you and supports you in your dreams and your goals. Believe in your self-worth and shift your toxic relationship beliefs little-by-little.
2. Know what you really want
Take a second to really think about the beliefs you hold. Where do they come from? Were they inherited from your parents? Adopted from the television programs you like to watch? When we don’t get into the habit of regularly questioning where our thoughts and assumptions come from, we can often find ourselves living under the shadow of other people’s values. We have to know what we want from a relationship, but that is tied directly to our beliefs.
Adopt relationship belief systems that are entirely your own. Stop trying to find a partner who lives up to someone else’s idea of romance and look for someone who truly aligns with your needs. This is a process that takes time and a process that has to be done alone. Who do you want to be standing beside 40 or 50 years from now?
Get some clarity on your emotional. Do you need someone who is vulnerable, open? Do you want someone who is there for you and supportive in every possible way? Look beyond the superficial and try to match yourself to someone who is aligned with your long-term goals. If you have big plans for your career, perhaps you need someone who is home-oriented and willing to travel. Maybe you need someone who works as a wingman and your biggest fan. It all comes down to what truly matters to you.
3. Challenge your old patterns
When we fall into certain systems of belief, they can drive us into behavioral patterns that do more harm than good. For example, if you keep following a highly conservative belief system that doesn’t work for you, you can find yourself falling time-and-time again into mismatched partnerships that suffer from a complete divide in values. We have to challenge our patterns, and therefore our beliefs, to put ourselves in the right relationships.
Take some time to analyze the relationship patterns you fall into, and how they are fed and informed by your beliefs. Journalling is a great way to open up our minds and hearts for such a task, without the worry of judgement or the preconceived assumptions we might get from family and friends.
Deep dive into your relationship history. What kind of partners have you chosen in the past? What is the common thread which connects them? Do you always look for someone who needs to be cared for? Someone who needs to be “fixed”? What beliefs in your heart are feeding these tendencies? What is it inside your mind that tells you this is something you need to do in order to be valid or happy? When you have the answers, you can work on correcting your belief systems.
4. Expand your perceptions
How often do you engage in the art of pushing your boundaries? As children, we’re handed the values and the limitations of our parents. But each generation challenges these boundaries and pushes them a little further. That’s how we become who we are and get in-sync with our deeper purpose and joy. You can’t change your old and archaic beliefs without testing new ones to see how they fit.
Start experimenting in life and love. Expand beyond the borderlines of your limitations and see what’s beyond the fence for once. Date someone you never saw yourself with before. Travel to new places, apply for new career opportunities at home and abroad.
In order to expand your beliefs, you need to expand your perception of self and companionship. You need to put yourself in new situations that test who you are and what you want. These situations need to put everything you believe to one final test. Then, you can stand in the light of your truth and you’ll be able to reset and redraw the boundary lines you put around your love.
5. Divide your past from your future
A great deal of our beliefs are based on the experiences that fill our past. While some of these can certainly be good — and result in good beliefs that help us to thrive — they can also be bad, and form the basis for toxic beliefs that keep us small, shut-off, or otherwise sad. In these instances, we have to learn how to separate our pasts from our futures so we can find the strength to become who we were always supposed to be.
Stop allowing the hurtful experiences and the hurtful people in your past control you in the present moment. If you live under the shadow of the pain they caused forever, you will deny yourself some beautiful experiences in the presence. Not every person is out to break your heart or destroy you.
Make a final break with everything that was. Imagine yourself standing removed, looking back at your past like a reel of film. Watch it quickly, not the lessons, then cut it where it meets your present moment. You don’t need what was to determine what comes next. What you need to do is strive to be happy in your own right, and build relationships in which you both come to the table ready to support, love, and learn.
Putting it all together…
Our core belief systems go a long way to inform the way in which we build our intimate relationships. When your beliefs conflict with your core authenticity, or you hold on to the beliefs of someone else — it leads you into partnerships that can be both mismatched and incredibly toxic. In order to build stable relationships, we have to align our values, our needs, and the beliefs that influence the life we’re building.
Believe in your self-worth and your right to be happy above and beyond anything else. This life is yours, and you have a right to live it in any way you see fit (without harming others). Take a step back and consider what you really want. Do the romantic beliefs you hold now align with the relationship you want to build for your future? Challenge and question your old patterns. Get to the root of where they come from and whether they’re truly aligned with what you want from your intimate partnerships. Expand your perception of self and expand your boundaries and your ideas on what a relationship can be. Then, you can divide your past from your future and start believing in the present moment and the love you are building right here and now.
Turn your relationships around with my new dating and intimacy guide. Available now!