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Why You’re Not Getting What You Want in the Bedroom

Building a life with someone else is tricky and involves an incredible amount of honesty and bravery. We have to be honest about what we want and what we need, so that we can build a mutually aligned future, and this includes our sexual and intimate needs. Do you feel like things have gotten stagnant in the bedroom? Are you and your partner growing apart from your inability to connect on a physical level? Before your problems spiral out of control, you have to take action and be honest about what’s holding you back in the bedroom.

Sex is an important component.

In most intimate relationships, sex is an important bonding agent and social component that keeps us emotionally and physically close to one another. It’s a fun pastime and a way for us to be vulnerable and connected with one another. Believe it or not, there are moments when our intimate connectedness portrays words we don’t have the power to explain.

Ignoring your intimacy issues is a dangerous thing to do.

Have you started to feel like things are going cold in the bedroom? Are you unsatisfied with your sex life, or the sexual chemistry you share with your partner? Sex is important, and sexual issues shouldn’t be ignored. You and your partner have to confront your problems honestly, and be open about the solutions you use to get things back on track. Want to find your passion again? Take action to pinpoint your needs, have a candid conversation, and make time to explore one another and your attraction again.

Why you aren’t getting what you want in the bedroom.

Are you failing to get what you want or need in the bedroom? We are often our own biggest enemy when it comes to sexual satisfaction. Want more passion with your partner? Address your hangups and your inability to honestly address your issues.

You’re not speaking up

Getting what we want in the bedroom is the same as getting anything else we want in life — you’ve got to ask for it. Perhaps the reason that you’re not connecting with your partner is because you’re no talking to them about what you want. In order for them to learn what you like, you have to tell them and tell them when things change too.

You’ve got some hangups

Depending on your upbringing and personal beliefs, you may have some hangups around sexual intimacy that makes it hard for you to truly connect in the moment with your body and your partner. To overcome this, you have to look deeper at mental and emotional issues that are plaguing you. Very often, a mental health professional is helpful in untangling these limiting beliefs.

You don’t know what you want

How familiar are you with your intimate needs? Have you ever taken any time to really explore what makes you tick in the bedroom? If you don’t know what you want sexually, it’s impossible to communicate those things to your partner. So, you end up unsatisfied and unfulfilled; engaging in a sexual intimacy that brings little to no real pleasure or sense of connection.

You’re not compatible

Although we don’t like to face the fact, an unsatisfying sex life very often comes down to our willingness to settle for sexual incompatibility. When you and your partner stop clicking, ruptures can begin to show in your emotional connectedness and willingness to bond. In order to get yourselves back on the same page, you have to be open with one another and willing to experiment.

You’re not making time for it

How much time do you actually make for your sex life? It’s not uncommon to find yourself so wrapped up in day-to-day life that you put this critical important aspect of your relationship on the back-burner. Sexually intimacy is (usually) a part of being happy as a couple, though. Ignoring your sexual needs and issues can lead to bigger problems later down the road.

How to turn things around.

The good news is that you (and your partner) can take action to improve things. Rather than settling for an unsatisfying sex life, you can make things better in the bedroom by figuring out your needs, having an honest conversation, and making time to experiment with each other.

1. Figure out your sexual needs

So many of us bumble into committed relationships without taking much time to figure out where our sexual needs really lie. Before you can make your sex life better with your partner, you first need to take some time figuring out what you like and what you enjoy. What makes you feel good about your intimacy? Your body? We have to answer some serious questions so we can get to the root of our intimate needs.

Take a step back from everything for a moment and take some time to figure out what your sexual needs actually are. What do you enjoy most? What makes the experience fun for you? What makes it the most pleasurable? Dig deep and get to the root of what you want and what you need in the bedroom.

Until you get clear on your own sexual needs, you’ll hardly be able to express them to anyone else (Birnbaum & Reis, 2012). Now is the time to be radically honest with yourself. There is no shame in our sexual pleasure. We don’t have to hide it, and we don’t have to feel guilty about finding it with our partners. We are physical beings with physical bodies that feel an array of emotions and experiences. Enjoy your senses as they were meant to be enjoyed…including in your most intimate moments.

2. Have an honest conversation

Once you’re clear on what you want, sit your partner down and have an honest conversation about what’s going on. You’ve got to be honest and open about your needs. Unless you’re able to vocalize your needs, your partner will have no ability to pinpoint them. Being honest with yourself was only the first step. Being honest with them is the next step.

Find a nice space that the two of you can have an honest conversation in. Pick your time wisely and look for a moment in which you’re both relaxed and having a good time. When you’re sure of your moment, open up to your partner and let them know what you’re thinking.

Let them know how you’re feeling about your sexual satisfaction, but make sure you leave any feelings of blame out of your language. You don’t need to make your partner feel bad. That won’t help improve anything. Instead, make it clear that you’re focused on your needs, and things you want to improve in your own sexual experience. Ask them to be a partner in that improvement and give them room to express their own sexual interests and desires.

3. Make time to experiment

Quite frankly, you’re not going to get anywhere in the improvement game without making time to test the waters. If what you’re doing isn’t working, you have to try something different. That takes getting out of your comfort zone a little, though, and making conscious and mindful time to experiment with what you mutually like in the bedroom.

Make time in your schedule to experiment and do so regularly. This isn’t to say you should have a little sexy time scheduled for the same time each day. That’s no fun, either. Keep the spontaneity going, but make sure you’re taking enough time to pursue your sensual interests together.

Schedule fun date nights together, and start the night off with fun games, tasks, or conversation that encourages you both to relax into one another. The more fun you have with one another, the more open and comfortable you will become. Once you’re nice and cozy, it becomes easier to lean into experimentation, and we become more trusting and confident in one another.

4. Have fun with the process

It might sound like getting back on track is a methodical process, but it should actually be something that’s fun. Talking about sex should be fun, not forever-uncomfortable. Getting down to the act should be even more fun. Don’t create stress where it doesn’t need to dwell. Make the experience of re-aligning your sexual needs a fun one.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your partner. Finding your intimate flow takes some time, and it comes with experiencing things we both like and don’t like. Have fun with the process and don’t take things too seriously.

Sex is an enjoyable act, and that’s okay. Enjoy it and allow yourself to feel pleasure in the experience. There’s a silver lining in all the extra bonding you get to do with your partner too. Pursue the things that make your sexual exploration fun and don’t make it another burden that you’re simply trying to sort through. That’s not what physical intimacy is about. Build up your sexual confidence by making the process a fun one.

5. Commit to the experience

Like improving anything else in this life, sexual re-alignment is a process. You’re not going to figure out what you want overnight. You’re not going to find it easy to talk about things at first, you’re not going to like everything you try or want to keep it around. In order to get to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you have to commit to the experience as a whole and find yourself (and your needs) through it.

Commit to the experience and be candid and upfront about what’s going right and what’s going wrong. If you feel like your boundaries are being pushed too far — say something. If you feel like you’re just not heading in the right direction — speak up.

Let the experience find you naturally and don’t worry too much about getting it “right or wrong”. We all want and need different things in the bedroom, and these things can change over time. Make allowances for that and manage the ups and downs with your partner compassionately. Sexual compatibility doesn’t always mesh at the same time. Find your flow and let the process take you where it will, knowing you’ll get where you need to be with honesty and commitment to rediscovering your passion.

Putting it all together…

Have things grown stagnant or stale in your relationship? Is it getting cold in the bedroom when it comes to your sex life or sexual satisfaction? If you’re not getting what you want in the bedroom, then it could actually come down to a few core factors. The sooner we embrace the role we play in the problem, the sooner we can take action to getting our love lives back on track.

Take some time to get clear on your own sexual needs and interests. Until you know what you want, you can’t explain those needs to others. Once you know what you want, sit your partner down and have an honest conversation. Express how you’re feeling and anything you want to improve or implement in the bedroom. After you get it all out in the open, you can make time to experiment together and get a clearer picture on what a happy sex life looks like for your relationship. Have fun with the process, though, and don’t make it an over-scheduled or monotonous affair. Commit to the ups and downs of the experience, but enjoy yourselves along the way back to sexual happiness.

  • Birnbaum, G., & Reis, H. (2012). When Does Responsiveness Pique Sexual Interest? Attachment and Sexual Desire in Initial Acquaintanceships. Personality And Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(7), 946–958. doi: 10.1177/0146167212441028

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