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Relationships

You never really wanted to be with them

It’s time for you to admit that you never really wanted to be with them. That’s right. The relationship that’s falling apart around you. It’s all because you valued a relationship above the connection you were building with the individual you’re now facing. If you want to get yourself back on track to happiness, it’s time to admit the truth that you’ve been running from all along. That relationship was always going to fail, and you knew it. You set yourself up for that failure and this is why.

Why your partnership collapsed.

There’s a lot of pressure for us to settle down and build lives that are “socially acceptable”. Whether that just looks like a long-term monogamous relationship, or the building of a family – we’re creating future disasters when we don’t build these things in alignment with our needs and our values. Your partnership collapsed because you weren’t honest. Your relationship festered because you and the person you settled on never were aligned on the most important aspects of your future. Now is the moment for you to take accountability and admit where you took a wrong turn in love. We choose the relationships we invest in.

You rushed things

Did you rush into a relationship before you had time to figure out who you were or what you wanted? It can be confusing when we think we’re in love, or we think we have to contend with the pressure of society (and our families). We jump into serious commitments, and dig deep trenches, before we even realize we’re knee-deep in a war. When you rush things, you don’t give yourselves time to explore who you are or what you want. That’s asking for disaster in almost every regard.

You forced a bad fit

For some, relationships are the most important thing in the world. They’ll go to any extent to feed their craving for an intimate partnership. Whether that craving comes from insecurity or false narratives, it doesn’t really matter. The relationship – to this person – is often a matter of personal validation. So they ignore all the red flags and invest in partnerships that they know are toxic, harmful, or wasteful.  Forcing bad fits doesn’t work, though. It creates disaster for everyone involved.

You weren’t really in love

Are you really in love with your partner? Or are you comfortable in something you know provides you no fulfillment? Some of us get into relationship without really being invested in one another on a loving level. How does that add up to a compassionate and  focused partnership when times  get tough? It doesn’t. We have to respect one another and genuinely have affection in order to stay together when life throws challenges our way.

You’re sabotaging yourself

Though you may not like to admit it, you  may be investing in bad relationships in an attempt to sabotage yourself. Think about it.  What is your real opinion of yourself? Do you think you deserve the greatest love story ever written? Or is there a part of you that’s insecure when it comes to getting the partner you want? When we don’t love ourselves, we will often jump into bad relationships. As they become volatile and collapse, we are able to prove the worst beliefs about ourselves and jump right back into toxic patterns that keep us romantically miserable.

You settled

Did you settle down for your relationship? Did you pull yourself away from a great career? Or an exciting life that was bringing you passion and fulfillment? Did you do it all for a person who doesn’t give as much as they take? We deserve to have partners that want the same things, and we deserve partners who work just as hard as we do to create that life. Did you settle for someone who doesn’t give back? This is yet another way we create relationships that destroy us and set us back.

What you need to do next to get back on track.

Have you realized that you get into relationships for all the wrong reasons? Are you waking up to the truth that your love fails because you don’t listen to your needs? Now is the moment to take action in the name of a love that’s worth working for. Do you want the partner of your dreams? Then you need to stop settling down, and you need to write a new story through authentic alignment and reset.

1. Find an authentic alignment

Align your goals, your career, your friends and even your living to who you really are and what you really want. If you’re heavily invested in things that don’t bring you joy or benefit — get rid of them. If you’re surrounded by people who cause you stress, grief or other sorts of aggravation (more than they provide laughter, love and support) — cut them out.

Living in alignment with who we truly are means living in peace. When we’re in-sync with our ultimate truths, we find we no longer have need for chaos, conflict and drama that otherwise distracted us. Find the pursuits that fit who you are and who you want to be. Surround yourself with the people who push you to be a better version of yourself. You’re no longer chained to the picture of a future that someone else painting. Live in line with your truths and enjoy the peace of authentic alignment.

2. Write a new story

Committing to the authorship of our lives is a powerful commitment and one that can’t be superseded by superficial ideals of romantic love, or even the insecurities that plague us. When we take charge of our lives, we take responsibility for our own happiness, which can further empower us to understand that true joy and validation come from within…not from without. Write a new story for yourself and know that the things that you want from your life and your partner are valid and worthy of achieving to the highest degree.

3. Assess damage and reset

When looking for hope, it’s important not to lose sight of the very real highs and lows of pain that you will experience in the wake of a relationship breakdown. We cannot allow ourselves to underestimate the damage that has been done, or the very real effects the breakup will have on our sense of self. In order to move forward, we have to accept this pain, assess the damage and through that find a way to move forward in the way that suits us best.

After you’ve had some distance and time to strengthen yourself, give yourself some time to look back over your relationship and analyze it for what it truly was and was not. Consider the part you played in the collapse of your partnership and consider the part the other person played too. What do you want to do differently next time? What can you change about the way you handle relationships in future?

Reset your sense of relationships. Reset everything you knew on building a partnership, and start over. What you did last time didn’t work. What did? Apply those things to future partnerships and combine them with the discoveries you’ve made in the process. Lessons are the silver lining that we walk away with, and the charge which can empower us to shine all the brighter. Stop hiding from what happened and study it. Learn from it. Let it be the guide that allows you to see the things you need, and the things you need to avoid.

Putting it all together…

Write a new story and commit to the journey of becoming a better version of yourself. Understand that the road to change is rarely ever a straight one, and embrace the ups and downs that will come with building a new “you”. Dig into the meat of who you are, and get to know who you are in this new, single context. As humans, we are constantly changing and learning. Get back in touch with who you are and use that knowledge to put yourself back on the right track. Revel in your newfound independence. Find your authentic alignment and lean into it. Pain is an inevitable part of the process, so embrace it and assess the damage once you’re strong enough to do so. We all suffer in the wake of a gut-wrenching breakup, but we can find a supreme amount of hope in that space as well. Allow yourself to open up again, and embrace those who show you authentic love, care and support in this trying time. There is no going backward. Only forward. Move that way in the confidence of knowing that tomorrow, you will be a better you — on your own terms.


Get my relationship advice when you need it with my new book – available now on Amazon.

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